Dear Club Kid,

White capris? Check. Spiked hair? Yeah man! Frosted tips? You know it. DJ-style headphones? Of course. Getting your pump on to sick tunes? Bro. Can of Red Bull instead of water? Dude, check. Under the age of 50? ........Damn. So close.

Sincerely,

Jim Letters




Dear Middle-Aged Man in Shorts Too Short,

Oh, the time when the shorts were short and the socks were high. I've only heard of those glory days, or seen grainy footage on YouTube. Mostly involving basketballs. I bet a lot of other stuff was cool too. But we traded those days for interwebs and iPads. And longer shorts. It's kinda like a package deal.

But keep tucking in that 'Gone Fishin' shirt. Some style should never change.

Sincerely,

Jim Letters

Dear Bro,

Bro. Brody. Those were some sick sets. You were really pushing it. So clutch, bro. You know what would be so bro? Wiping down that bench. No bro wants another bro's hair gel all, over him. Just sayin. Bro.

Sincerely,

Jim Letters


Dear Bodybuilder,

I'll bet you pick up alot. Girls. Heavy things. Heavy girls. You've probably had sex. It's probably even listed as an 'Interest' on your Facebook page. But I've gotta level with you- that grunting isn't helping your cause. No one wants to hear that. Unless less you're trying to communicate. Or that's what happens when you lose your neck. If so, that's cool.

Sincerely,

Jim Letters


Dear Attractive Girl,

We get it. You're cute. Some of these bros might even buy you a drink. But not here. At the gym. So don't use the mirror to put more makeup on. Or spend the whole time checking yourself out. Or BBMing. Or doing all three at once.

Sincerely,

Jim Letters


Dear Guy Wearing Spandex as Shorts,

That's not only uncomfortable to see, it's probably illegal. Seriously. And not in a 'concealed weapon' sense. That would be funny. But in the 'look at all the kids around' kind of way.

Sincerely,

Jim Letters


Dear Guy Wearing a Trucker Hat,

That's cool that you spend your free time from driving trucks around the country working out. Oh you don't drive trucks? That's cool that you still have the hat from when you used to be a trucker. Oh you weren't? That's cool that you have a frayed brim antique hat your grandpa used when he drove trucks. Oh he didn't? You bought it that way? That's not cool.

Sincerely,

Jim Letters


Dear Old Man Drying His Balls With A Hairdryer,

I get it. Your generation fought in a war. Eggs were five cents a dozen. You knew the guy whose wife's cousin's brother's neighbor invented electricity. And the hairdryer. But there's a time and a place. The place is not at the sink in the change room, and the time is not when there's a lineup to use the sink. But respect for saying "they're almost dry!"

Sincerely,

Jim Letters


Dear Guy With A Waaaaay Too Young Girlfriend,

I thought I was on To Catch a Predator, but I looked around and nobody's face was pixelated. This confused me. When you two started slow dancing in the middle of the gym, this also confused me. But then I saw your chin strap beard, and I was less confused.

Sincerely,

Jim Letters



Dear Guy Wearing a Polo Shirt and Jeans While Working Out,

I also get lost all the time. But I've never taken a left when it should have been a right and ended up in a gym. Except once. But I didn't get on a stair master for an hour and then leave.

Sincerely,

Jim Letters